Exploding
the Myth of the Ideal Parent
By Janet Penley, MBA
Summary: Good
parents come in many styles. There is no one “right” way to
be a good parent.
Each of us brings strengths to parenting that feel as
natural as breathing.
The good news is that you no longer have to covet your neighbor's style.
You have your own and
your own strengths.
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Janet Penley, MBA |
Exploding the Myth of the Ideal Parent
When I became a mother,
I so wanted to do it right. I attended parenting classes and
tried to do everything by the book. I disciplined with logical
consequences, used time-outs, and invited my child’s
age plus one to birthday parties.
Then one Saturday morning,
while I was carefully arranging the matching plates and napkins
for my six-year-old son’s birthday, he bounced in to
inspect the decorations. “Get
out of here!” I shrieked, “Can’t you see
I’m trying to make a nice birthday for you?” The
irony of my words hit me. I had tried to do everything right
yet it felt so wrong. In that moment I decided that perhaps
I should stop turning outward for answers and start tuning
into my own values, beliefs and way of being. |
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Many organizations use a framework of personality type developed
by Carl Jung and measured by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to talk
about the pros and cons of different management styles. I wondered,
why not parenting styles, as well? After more than a decade of research
and study, I have come to understand how personality type can help
parents understand their strengths and struggles in parenting. After
hundreds of interviews and workshops, two truths have emerged:
•
Good parents come in many styles. There is no one “right” way
to be a good parent. Each of us brings strengths to parenting that
feel as natural as breathing.
•
Every parent is a mixed bag. No matter what, we’ll never erase
our humanness. Fortunately, children don’t need perfect parents
because, as human beings, they themselves will never be perfect either.
What’s Your Parenting Style?
Your personality type is determined by your preference in four categories:
energy, attention, decision-making, and lifestyle. In each pair,
chose which description seems more like you.
Energy:
| Extraverted parents are energized by going, doing, interacting
and experiencing. They are typically “in the know” and
get children out to experience the world. Too much time isolated
at home can make them feel shaky and ungrounded. They are uncomfortable
with a child who is more
of a loner and needs a lot of solitude. |
|
Introverted
parents are energized by solitude and time alone.
They are observant, reflective and prefer one-on-one interactions.
They know their children as individuals and provide them with “downtime” to
unwind and recharge. Drained by too much interaction, they
must guard their energy to make it through the day without
exploding. |
Attention:
| Sensing
parents focus on
details and specifics. They attend to practicalities and the
here and now. Hands-on parents, they see to children’s
basic needs and do concrete activities with them. They struggle
to join in a child’s imagination or understand a child
who is different. They can get stuck in a rut. |
|
Intuitive
parents focus
on the big picture and possibilities. They quickly leap from
facts to patterns and themes. They encourage children’s
creativity and imagination, point up options and offer them
choices. Drained by the nitty-gritty, they struggle to deal
with practicalities and be realistic. |
Decision-making:
| Thinking
parents trust logic,
objectivity and impersonal analysis. They let children do for
themselves, foster independence and answer children’s
why’s in order to fuel their rational development. They
struggle to tune in to and be patient with children’s
irrational feelings. |
|
Feeling
parents rely on
values, feelings and personal information to decide. They strive
to be physically and emotionally close, attuned to children’s
feelings, and go to great lengths to make them happy. Seeking
family harmony, they struggle to say no and be firm if it may
cause conflict. |
Lifestyle:
| Judging
parents are intentional parents who like structure, plans, limits,
and order. They are adept at organizing day-to-day living so
kids feel secure and don’t miss out. They aim to get
things done, on time, and in the right way, but struggle to
adapt to the unexpected, relax and have fun. |
|
Perceiving
parents take
things as they come and keep their options open. They are flexible
and spontaneous, and generally tolerant and accepting of children.
They enjoy hanging out and can be relaxed about clutter, but
struggle to do chores regularly and keep the house in order. |
| 16 Types. With
this framework, there are sixteen different personality types,
and that means sixteen different parenting styles - each with
unique gifts. For example, my type is Introversion-Intuition-Feeling-Judging
(INFJ) and I’m the “Know Thyself” Parent.
My son is my opposite, Extraversion-Sensing-Thinking-Perceiving
(ESTP). Knowing type has helped us turn a potentially disastrous
parent-child relationship into one that is mutually respectful
and fun. It can make you a more effective parent too. |
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How to Recharge Your Batteries
Each of us finds different aspects of parenting draining and has
a unique way to recharge. Your personality type can help you devise
a daily nutrition plan for your psychic energy – what to avoid
and what gives you energy. If you have enough energy, you’ll
do your best parenting. When you are running low on energy, you are
more apt to make the mistakes you regret later.
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What
you need to maintain your energy:
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Extraversion: Adult
conversation, action, variety
Introversion: Privacy
and time alone
Sensing: Feeding
five senses, rich sensory stimulation
Intuition: New ideas,
perspectives, dreams
Thinking: Objective
validation of competence
Feeling: A break
from others needs
Judging: A place
or project to organize, control, complete
Perceiving: Freedom
from a tight schedule
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Be More Savvy about Volunteering
Volunteer opportunities can help you meet your psychological needs,
but choose wisely based on your personality type. Select activities
that energize you. Thinking mothers may gravitate toward leadership
or money-management positions. Judging mothers may enjoy organizing
and accomplishing a finite project. Intuitives may like to get involved
in strategy and change. Introverted types need something they can
concentrate on and do alone. In general, go with your strengths and
find a niche that draws primarily on your personality preferences.
Occasionally, you may want to get involved in doing something that
is totally “not you” for your own self-development. But
do it mindfully and in the spirit of play and experimentation.
Avoid jobs that overuse your non-preferences and drain you in the
same way parenting does. As an Introverted-Intuitive, I find the
people interaction and practicalities of mothering draining. So I
know not to add more. I wouldn’t sign up to help assemble a
mailing or go on a lot of field trips. Perceiving moms should avoid
long-term commitments and routine assignments. One Perceiving mom
enjoys being a lunchroom substitute. She actually loves getting a
last minute call to help out, but would hate to have to show up the
same day each week.
To learn more or to purchase The M.O.M.S.
Handbook – Understanding
Your Personality Type in Mothering, go to www.momsconnection.com or 847-251-4936.
Janet Penley founder
of Mothers of Many Styles (1998), and co-author of The M.O.M.S. Handbook,
has developed M.O.M.S. from 15 years of
research and interviews with hundreds of mothers. A popular community
lecturer, she has given more than 600 seminars and presentations
nationally on parenting styles and family interactions. Penley, an
MBA and mother of two (a boy, 23 and a girl, 20), can be reached
at 847-251-4936, JPMoms@aol.com, or www.momsconnection.com.
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